The black hole with a cover of heart- A Man's dairy.

Yes, I’m a Man and felt that I was used by the women who came into my life. I was not exploited or raped. But after being in a relationship with them, I found that I was a fool and just dived into the pool of love not thinking that there were sharks which were their boyfriends. Obviously, I feel great sometimes that the women chose me over their boyfriends but at the end of the day, they betrayed me and everyone around them. There was a low point where I felt like Love is not for me and I know many of them around you felt the same. Yes, I was lucky to feel the indigenous feeling of Love. But I wish that it would have been okay if I had fallen on the thorns of the rose, I think that’s less painful. Because you get hurt and some scars can’t be eradicated with the help of Mederma (scar cream) because they are deep inside on your body and your soul. Yes, I have a heart but when you open the lid of it you will see the coldness and ruthlessness anybody would just imagine that he or she don’t have a glimpse of it.

My First Heartbreak

Finally, my next book manuscript reached the publishing house and was excited to see all of them adorning the showcase. If I flip – back to a time when my text-box would float with the messages of admirers, well now my fleet of cars made me to change my phone with more storage. But my phone was just waiting for her one message, that you’re forgiven and that would easily give me salvation. Her one glimpse would leave a smile that would diminish a least for a day.

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Traveling to every metropolitan city, every radio city, a routine I wish I could elope. Living four blocks away from my penthouse, I could see her taking a bleak walk towards the house. I wish I could accompany her.  The audacity to knock her door was the last thing my ego would have permit me.  The stardom helped me to break into any girl’s room, my car not surprised by the distinguished perfume scents every day. A makeup of false emotions that would finally make me look happy. Well, my friends had to really dig out my makeup to see a desolate me. She was my only best friend, who helped me with my writings, supported me when my blogs would not reach out to the people more than a century. Finally, after half a decade, breaking the wall of egoism and calling my alter-ego was tough then setting up my own publishing house.

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“Hey, it’s me can you spare some time for me…”, I really said. “What you want from me now”, a tone that would easily explain that please leave me alone. “Mom, I’m sorry please forgive me”, I added.  “You took my soul from me”, she blurted her lungs out. “Just meet me for God’s sake I have already lost one part of my heart and I can’t afford to lose the other”. She didn’t say anything and hung up the call. A minute later a message popped out on my phone from her. “Mr. Amit let’s meet tomorrow at sharp 6pm, okay about the venue, I have sent you the address, please be on time”.

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“May I help you”, my dad asked. Your son has played with his luck and unfortunately has lost a great sum of money and we tried to contact him but he didn’t have the audacity to pick up the call. The tone was similar to a doctor who conveys the message that his loved ones didn’t survive. I could sense the apprehension in the room. “Just tell me the amount and will pay you back in a week probably”, my dad pleased. “Twenty lacs”, they nodded and left reluctantly. The figures were exactly my dad’s four years pay. My mother was a house-wife till then. Dad saddened by the fact that his son didn’t ask for the money and swerved with gambling of his own luck. He didn’t slap me but his death due to heart-attack was no less than a slap in the face. Dad’s insurance money paid off my foolishness. A night of guilt or a murderer to my mother made me lose two gems of my life and this is how 19 years old boy witnessed his first heartbreak.

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 “Hello Sir, I am your biggest fan, your books on self- help has really inspired me”. “I’m glad that I’m able to make a difference in at least some of you”. I replied. “But it didn’t help me”, I sighed.   The restaurant looked like a place of historical importance. The ceiling was handcrafted with hundreds of circles inscribed with millions of flowers in it, the four columns on edge of the room was platted with strips of platinum which would easily light up the room then many of the LED’s in the room. My eyes were fixed on the door, not ready to blink until she passes the door. Her punctuality failed to impress the people around her. She entered the room.

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 Until I left her, she was draped in a white saree. Now some of the flicks of her hair were purpled, her ears were adorned with beautiful rings of gold, a tuck in shirt with a blazer on it was a revelation of her inculcated confidence over the years. The only thing that made me inferior was her 3-inch heels. “What can I do for you, just tell me “, I muttered. “I never thought you would be as stubborn as me, you call me after five years?”, she said with a wry smile on her face. “After all the money lost in gambling of luck, after dad’s heart attack, I thought of proving myself and not to face you until I become a millionaire or famous but I expected that you would walk four blocks away which I couldn’t do it”, I sobbed. I came close to her but she plunked me away and then she took a gasp and hugged me.” I’m sorry too”, she wept out of joy.

Let's visit there!

                                             

The burning sun turned my skin red, a one more time use of handkerchief to the face would have made it entirely transparent. Finally, the bus to my office route arrived. Well, not surprised with the public transport punctuality! The yellow sponge beneath the seat cover was more revealing than yesterday. But, couldn’t miss out my window seat. Playing my daily playlist which summed up to the approximate journey time to the office. Sometimes missing out “Imagine dragons” because of the exact time arrival. Leaping out of the bus and walking few steps away, made me stand in front of my office building.

Leaving the city of wisdom and living in the city of dreams was quite a transformation for me. Whenever I saw an old lady walking down the streets I could remember my evening walk with my grandma. Sometimes, a scowling between Amit and his Dad would make me miss the arguments. But, I was glad that vadapav tastes better here.

A five-storied building where each floor was occupied by individual companies who were striving hard to make their place in Forbes 500 at least. I ushered into the building and then pressed the level 3 button in the elevator to take me to my office floor. Scanning my thumb, I scurried inside. A morning greeting to each and every one was not difficult here. Sitting inside a box-like structure, where salary was given to me to think out of the box. Sitting on an ergonomically designed chair, as my boss explained it yesterday, I pressed the white power button of yellow CPU, which imposed my mind to think about my school dress combination.

A famous Windows wallpaper which consists of green plains all over and maybe depicting a sunny day was on my computer screen. I opened the mailbox and there was a mail stating my today’s To-Do list. As I was back on the desktop, a change of wallpaper was something unexpected as I never played with the desktop properties. I probed my eyes, an unusual scenario on the screen was taking place. The sunny day was getting replaced by the night, full of stars. The green plains observed a man lying on it, enjoying the shimmering sky. Within a few seconds, he stood up and entangled his fingers together, staring a strolling star across the sky. I rubbed my eyes to get back from the augmented reality. But, the next thing that came into the picture was the green plains were giving birth to many horizontal concrete blocks. Every concrete block had a name engraved on it. Well, the man who was praying to the star was in front of the block. He placed a flower on it and a gentle smile crossed his face. “Dude, what’s wrong with you?’’. my boss patted him. “Nothing, was searching for some files”, I answered. The short film made me perplexed about what just had happened. An extra task appeared on my to-do list. At the end of day, a checklist to all of them, except the decoding of scenario made me lose my mind.

I pressed the bell and my roommate was on the door, greeting me. But, nothing in return would have made him quite baffled. I scurried toward my room, placed my bag and jumped on the bed. “Let’s write down every scenario of the movie on the page and decipher it”, I thought. After an hour or two I jumped out of the bed and hugged my roommate and finally slept.

The birds chirping and the sun rays creeping in from the railing made me wide awake. Refreshing my mouth, I engrossed in a thought of writing a blog about the yesterday scenario. I finally started jotting down every frame of the short movie, distinctly. The man, the green plain, the glinting sky, the change of landscape into a graveyard and a weird smile in the end. The story continued with the explanation of man who was enjoying his present, so-called living in the moment and the sudden breakthrough of a star in the sky made him wish for the good future. But in all this, you miss out the past.  Perhaps, because the world says to bury the past and never look over it. The weird smile and placing of a flower were giving a birth to a new meaning. A visit to the buried past, similarly to a weekly visit to the loved ones in the cemetery would conceive rejoice, as it will help you to introspect everything in your life and will evolve you as a person. So, you should certainly owe a debt of gratitude. With the title “Let’s visit there!” and inserting an appropriate face for the blog I posted it on every social website, which acted as a tranquilizer to my soul.  “Dude, are you not getting late by any chance”, my roommate blurted out from the living room. “I hope that the bus maintains its punctuality as every day!”, I smirked.

My School Crush

“All Indians are my brothers and sisters…”, the whole assembly blurted out. “Except her”, my mind whispered. Standing in the queue, while me leading it because of my shortest height in the class. The usual blab by principal stating how discipline is important in our life. At the end of her lecture, a forceful movement of head upside-down with a compliment of applaud was our usual morning chores. “Head toward your respective classes with no talking in corridors”, last command by our principal before the assembly adjournment. Entering my class first and waiting for her to enter the class was my usual routine. There she enters the class, with the usual laugh on her face and my god I need to admit that my face turned red with the smile wide enough to cross the boundaries of my face. A hand wave by me and vice versa finally completed my morning chores. Sitting on the front bench of the class, well it was fair enough as I had to stand up and copy another half of the blackboard if I sat on the back benches. While she sitting in the mid-benches of the row, of course, she was taller than me maybe by an inch or a two. Her brown eyes her scintillating nature always gave my eyes a delightful view. Suddenly movements of moving my head around trying accidentally to struck my eyes with her and end up giving a weird smile. Always successful to impress my subject teachers, when teacher distributed answer papers, I always end up bragging my marks to the whole world, But, staring her straight into eyes disappeared my level of awesomeness and eventually kept me grounded. That was magic of adolescence or something else, I realized it later. Last year in school together but I didn’t have the audacity to ask her to fill my scrapbook. Because perhaps I could see affection in her eyes for someone. Later on, my audacity to not give up on my crush turned to love, drafted a new whole plot in the story of my life.

SWIPE RIGHT AND REPEAT AGAIN

Swiping right about hundreds of profiles and having matches of atleast one-fourth gave me an ego boost. A show off that i have more probability to get a match than to get succeed in my life. After spending an hour swiping the profile to the right much similar to the money on the girls in the bar out there.Sending girls out there with a message of hey and getting a reply after light years.One day, i stumbled up on a profile of a girl who was from my college and shamelessly I swiped right and my success rate made me reach to the epitome of egotism. Her bio “Hate people, love memes”. Sending her message of how i never thought you would swipe me right and she laughed. 

The curiosity in me as an engineer never died and asked about her bio and messaged her “Hey your profile says you  hate people so what you’re looking for, animals?” From that day i had to give my curiosity a little space and to whisper my brain to not give a fuck about their bio. 

What a day!

         

      

A sunny day when you look at the sky but have to put on the pullover because the sun doesn’t bother you with heat. That day after coming from my zumba classes full of sweat and contentment in my heart as this had kept me close to my interest- a bit of dancing while a benefit to my health looking over my parents only interest. Sitting on the couch, sipping my electrolytes and changing over the music channels i hear dad talking to someone on phone, “ Okay i will be there”,dad envisaged and dismissed the call. 

“Hey i got to go over some stupid meeting and i’ll be back by afternoon so take charge of the shop for today”, he abhorred. A vehement yes from  me and the joy deep inside me which had to be suppressed because a sign of adolescence would have changed his mind. My dad gives me the key, the key of his shop. The feeling of responsibility or an adrenaline rush felt by most of the Marwadi- Gujarati kid who just step out of his teenage life for business felt by me eventually at the end of the day I didn’t need a pullover as the zeal inside me was enough to keep me warm.

A Rope of hope.

Drowning in the sea of depression, shouting for help, trying with all my might to stay afloat.

When I looked around, I was not alone there. Some of them had a buoyancy which made them see sunshine but sea also witnessed the floating bodies which would never swim again. The scenario made me feel numb, being a part of it I had to get out of it.

The unusual happened, the rope encircled with the hope knotted me to save me which eventually lead a blemish of contentment on my face! 

The rope led me to the ship, after gripping the railing of the ship, resting on the dock, contemplating the horizon and sailing on the churning sea, the only desire that dashed my mind was to get many more ships anchored with the rope of hope.